Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
