he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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