I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize