so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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