Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you mean i was at the winter classic?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
