new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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