ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize