Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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