Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize