i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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