I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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