she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
