I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
