i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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