This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
