we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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