Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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