I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
