and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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