I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize