Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
