Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
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