big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
