her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
