Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Bang-toberfest begins!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
