i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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