I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
