Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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