If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just had sex on a roof
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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