I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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