pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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