When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
