i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
