Tell her she can't have a vagina
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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