So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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