I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
