did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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