Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize