She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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