If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
