My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
