Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
