i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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