Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize