At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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