Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
