Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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