And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
