Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
