i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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