If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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