if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm always down for nudity.
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