I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So. Much. Porn.
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