I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
