dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
