I think my vagina is haunted
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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