my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
