last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
