Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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