i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
