I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize