My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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