what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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