"it" just moved
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
