I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
