Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I came so hard my ears popped.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
