Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
