Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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