So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
