my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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