Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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