This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
