i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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