i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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